Survivor: Middle Earth
by Nelena
Summary: Duh Duh Duh! Have you ever wondered what would happen if there was a survivor show in Middle Earth?? Well the producers have- so the've created a show! Come see the teams duke it out over 39 days!!!
1. Meet the Contestants

DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of these people.  
  
Our show opens with wide sweeping views of an island out in the middle of a big ocean. After you see the island twenty times or so, it zooms in on a little wooden put-put boat heading towards the island. You see a man standing on the boat looking into the camera.  
  
" Hello, my name is Manwë and this is "Survivor Middle Earth". We have 16 contestants from all over Middle Earth that came to duke it out and stand as the sole survivor. Our two tribes are Calmindon and Cabed Naeramarth, elven names picked totally by chance for our separate teams. On the Calmindon team we have:  
  
Saruman- an evil wizard turned good who was quite an orc charmer. Some say he had special relations with-"  
  
" Hey! You're not allowed to insult me! Especially on national- whatever! I curse you!!" Saruman cried waving what looked like a very small twig in the air and pointing it at Manwë.  
  
" Saruman, now you know better, your still on probation- you don't want to have to leave the show do you? And you know you're not supposed to have a staff," Manwë said attempting to take the twig from Saruman rather ungracefully and unsuccessfully. Standing upright and dusting himself off he snapped his fingers. In the background Saruman is tackled by some very strong looking men in all black clothes. You can then see the men giving Saruman a sedative as he gets a rather stupid look on his face. " Well, anyways- our next contestant is Frodo Baggins, a peaceful hobbit from the shire. Son of Drogo, descendent of the FAMOUS Bilbo Baggins-"  
  
" Hey! I'm famous TOO," said a rather sick looking hobbit sitting next to a very hairy fellow.  
  
" Can I PLEASE get through one person without getting INTERRUPTED????" Manwê looks at the contestants who shrink back. "THANK YOU. Our next contestant is Legolas, prince of Mirkwood forest. While roaming the countryside, he enjoys shooting things with his BIG BOW-" Manwë hears Legolas start to say something and gives him an evil glare. "Galadriel, an old elven ring holder was once voted Miss Middle Earth."  
  
"Twice!" Galadriel shouted and quickly shrank away.  
  
" Ahem, our NEXT competitor is Arwen, an elf who gave up her immortality for a passing crush- AND IF I AM INTERRUPTED AGAIN I WILL STOP THIS BOAT!!!" As Arwen opened and swiftly closed her mouth again. "Eowyn, a Rohan warrior super woman wannabe is here by request even though she had no significant part in the story-" Manwë turns and gives Eowyn a death stare. " Another hobbit by the name of Samwise Gamgee- wait a second, what kind of name is Samwise? Why would someone name their kid that? I mean were they on the weed or something?? Anyways, our last contestant on the Calmindon team is Meriodac Brandybuck. What is up with these hobbit names??? You know what? I don't even want to know. Our OTHER tribe, which might prove to be more civilized, is Cabed Naeramarth. Gandalf, our first contender is an old wizard also who overtook Saruman and became Gandalf the White. He enjoys smoking his weed, playing with hobbits and secretly plotting to take over the world." Camera shot on Gandalf who smiles sweetly despite the insults of Manwë. "Suck up," Manwë says under his breath looking back to the camera. " Elrond is a wise old elf having a bad hair century as it might seem-"  
  
"Um, excuse me, Manwë sir? Are you aware that our tribe name means-"  
  
" I SAID that they were picked totally random- did I not??" Manwë says looking to his cameraman and nodding. " OKAY then. Can we continue??? Gimli, a rather smelly old chap, is a dwarf who did right next to nothing. No, wait, he did seem to lead them into that Moria place, and get Gandalf killed, and piss the elves off so I guess he did something. Excuse me, he didn't piss his 'Leggy' off, that's about the only one though. And in case some of you watchers out there didn't read the whole story, because he was hooked up with an elf, Gimli got to live on an island resort with his Legolas for the rest of his pathetic little life! Makes ya look at those elves a little differently don't it? Our next slinky little fellow goes by the name of Gollum and Smeagol. It all depends on which day you catch him. That is, if you really WANT to catch him. He is known for killing people, attempting to kill people and being overly possessive of his 'precious' which he lost in the fiery volcano of Doom." Camera shot on Gollum who looks as if he's about to have a seizure. " He enjoys slinking around all day and eating raw fish. Faramir, another rather insignificant guy, who was put on the show to make the 16 people, was a second choice for his wife and opposing team person- Eowyn. He was chosen after he wooed her, drugged her and took her home. They now enjoy their married life in an old broken-down mansion on the border of Gondor. After the, um, tragic death of his father and brother, and his attempted murder on behalf of his father, he is the inherited steward of Gondor. What a job," Manwë rolls his eyes, clears his throat and continues. " Our next survivor is Aragorn, King of Gondor and Arnor. His wife, Arwen is also on our show, as I've mentioned before, she was a former immortal. I also hear he's cheating on her with-"  
  
"WHAT??? Araggy, I thought we were through all of our problems!! I mean we went to counseling and everything!!!! I can't believe you!!!" Arwen suddenly jumps up from her seat and starts reaching over Frodo to beat Aragorn.  
  
" I can't help my urges woman!! You just aren't good enough for me!!" Aragorn says in a manly tone while cowering behind Gimli. Finally Arwen gives up, whether it was from the stench of Gimli or the pepper spray pointed at her- we may never know.  
  
" As we continue," Manwë said with a rather fixed, mad smile, " We come to Boromir, the dead brother of Faramir, who has come back from the dead just to join us. Don't even ask how the producers got a hold of him… And finally we come to Pippin, a fun loving hobbit who also enjoys smoking weed. Well those are our teams, Calmindon and Cabed Naeramarth! Now to show you where our teams will be living for the next 39 days. Camera shots over the island again circling down on to a sunny spot filled with wild flocks of squirrels, don't ask, and lots of pineapple trees.  
  
"This is where our Calmindon team will be residing. The teams have never seen their spot before and will be asked to find it using half of a map that we have provided them." The camera moves to the other side of the island where there is a clearing in a rocky, deserted area with no sun. " And this is where our Cabed Naeramarth team will be located. And right after these commercials, we will set our teams free to begin their journey." 


	2. Commercials

Commercials  
  
  
  
Voice: Are you tired of the normal average hobbit life? Sick of being fat, lazy and all around hicky? Well you can come on one of Bilbo's Guided Tours, go hiking up a mountain in a blizzard, go white water rafting in a wine barrel or even sneak up on a dragon! Now excepting parties of five or more for Bilbo's guided tours! Call 1-800-555-6757 now!  
  
  
  
  
  
(Jaws music) Shot of a bushy tail running away…(more jaws music) dundun dundundun dundundundundundundundun da! Suddenly you see a squirrel like the one from Ice Age twitching his nose.  
  
1 You can't resist him  
  
2 Go see  
  
LORD OF THE SQUIRRELS  
  
Showing now in theaters all over Middle Earth  
  
  
  
Do you want a Survivor: Middle Earth buff??? Are you one of those fanatics who stalk the remaining producers just to see a shot at the next show??? Well join the club!!! The " I stalk someone from Survivor club!!! Get exclusive footage discretely in the mail of the funniest, most outrageous, and strangest moments from Survivor!! Not available anywhere else!! Join now at I-stalk-survivor.com!! OR write to us at:  
  
Survivor Stalkers  
  
1324 Orthanc road  
  
Orthanc Middle Earth 37971  
  
2.1 END OF COMMERCIALS  
  
If you would like to see more in the future, please write to purple_nurple_7@hotmail.com, or review my story. If you have suggestions email me or review. Thank you! And have a great day!! 


	3. Map goings

Disclaimer: I don't own anathing so…just telling ya for future notice.  
  
" And we're back here at Survivor: Middle Earth about to set our teams out on the adventure of a lifetime. Are we ready??" Teams look at Manwë and nervously nod. " Ready? Set? Don't go!" Manwë shouts as Frodo is knocked off the side of the boat, flapping for his life. " He, he just kiddin' with ya, good ol' joke of mine, works every time, aw, that was priceless- GO!" Everyone is caught by surprise as the Calmindon team jumps off at once flipping the boat. Finally the Cabed Naeramarth team situates itself and with Pippin hanging on to a box for dear life, they started off. Camera goes to a soaking wet Manwë.  
  
" And they're off on the adventure of a lifetime." Eerie music plays in the background as we zoom in on the Calmindon team headed to the left of the pointed island.  
  
" Damn water, I've avoided taking a bath this long, and this just ruins it." Gimli mumbles as he drags an unconscious Frodo after him.  
  
" Hey? He's not on our team!!!" A soaking wet, and extremely unhappy Galadriel yells pointing at Gimli.  
  
" What are you talking about?? Of course I am!!" Gimli looks around slowly as the team stops altogether. " Oh shit, I'm not! Hey- hey guys! Wait up!!!" Gimli says as he swims off in the other direction leaving Frodo's body. Seconds later Frodo starts to sink and Legolas has to swim over and grab him since Saruman who is closer is watching Frodo with a strange gleam in his eye. The team swims on until they reach the shore. Arwen, who has been dubbed map person, looks at an upside down map and points to the right. Frodo has finally regained consciousness and is shakily walking behind them. About a half an hour later they see someone in front of them.  
  
" Who is that? It looks like…like Gimli… Arwen are we going the right way?" Legolas asks looking at a confuzzled Arwen who is looking at the map and turns it right side up.  
  
"Oh- My- God- the map…It so totally goes the other way!!" Arwen says flipping her hair over her shoulder and giggling. Everyone gives her the evil eye except Frodo who is staring squinty- eyed ahead.  
  
" I don't see anything……… I can smell Gimli- but I can't see him anywhere." Frodo shades his eyes and looks harder yet he still sees nothing but trees and an increasingly barren land.  
  
" He's about a mile ahead with the rest of his tribe- but that doesn't matter. We have to go ALL THE WAY BACK because DUM DUM here decided to be a ditzy blond!!!!!! About- Face!" Legolas sneers as the whole Calmindon tribe turns around and marches back towards their side of the island. Rewinding back to when the Cabed Naeramarth team was flipped over and finally on their way- Elrond decided to play a clever joke and tell Gimli to go to the right with the other tribe. He was hoping that they would rid themselves of the stench for a while. After about ten minutes of swimming, having the elven ears he had- he heard a frantic, "wait! Wait up you guys!!" from far away. Slowly but surely it got closer. Finally one of his teammates noticed it.  
  
" Uh………. Do you hear that noise? What is it??" Boromir said slowing down to listen.  
  
" I don't hear anything… swim faster." Elrond said picking up the pace. Everyone tried to keep up with him, but since none of them were immortal- it soon became impossible so Elrond finally slowed down and they all waited for Gimli. After another good 16minutes and 58 seconds later or so Gimli caught up and they continued on. They reached land considerably later than the other tribe- but at least they headed in the right direction. When they got to land they realized they only had a half a map and after searching for the other half discovered that the map was neatly cut down the middle.  
  
" Well Manwë did say that the teams were getting half a map. So I guess we did get the required bit." Faramir said twiddling his thumbs with an extremely happy look on his face.  
  
" The otherssss had full mapses yessss, we sees it didn't we precious?? Yessss they got full mapsess and we got nutsessss and roasted fishes. Yessssss we's got the jipses we did… Gollum." Smeagol said appearing within the group after a long absence in which no one likely missed him. Everyone looked grimly to Faramir who was turning into the unlikely leader.  
  
" What, me?? Why not Aragorn? He's the king!! I'm only a steward who wasn't even supposed to get the job!!!" Faramir threw up his hands in the air as they walked along.  
  
" You sissy!!! I knew I never should have died!!! If I was still able to rule today, why I would knock your sorry butt into tomorrow!!!" Boromir jabbed his finger at Faramir threateningly but didn't act on his promises.  
  
" Um… hello? Did I miss something or am I so totally the ruling king of Gondor?? WELL then don't talk about me like I wasn't here."  
  
" Wanna know why we were talking like you aren't all there? Because you're not! You're a raving lunatic with a god damn wife who's ditzier than a cheerleader!!"  
  
" No she's not- and don't go talking for me- I've lived longer than you and I'm the steward!!"  
  
" Don't take my wife's side, she's a nut. She made me go to a councilor and SHE'S THE ONE THAT MADE ME SIGN UP FOR THIS FREAK SHOW."  
  
Will Cabed Naeramarth ever find their camp??  
  
Will Arwen ever be given a map again??  
  
Will this show ever get past the first episode???????  
  
Watch next time on Survivor: Middle Earth 


	4. More Commercials

Disclaimer: what do I own? Nothing!! Except maybe that thing I call the concept of Survovor: Middle Earth. ( read on  
  
Commercials  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A shot of Legolas creeping across a blank screen. Suddenly he hears something and runs off the other side. Seconds later hundreds of fans run across after him.After a few moments, you see Legolas drop down from the top of the screen and wipe his hands off. Once again it is as if he hears something and he fumbles in his pockets for something. Finally as the fans appear again he whips out a bottle and sprays it at them. Abruptly all of the fans make a sound of disgust in unison and run away. All that remains is Gimli who begins making goo- goo eyes at Legolas.  
  
" Do you suffer from pesky fans following you around all day? Well then you need- Fan away! It's a simple mixture made by Legolas Inc. that, when sprayed at the fans, makes you seem Gimli like, repulsive." Finally realizing that Gimli was still there, Legolas looked at him for a moment with a furrowed brow, then sprayed the bottle at Gimli again. Gimli blinks for a moment then looks back at Legolas with wide eyes, screams and runs away. " Be aware that the more that you use, the uglier you will look to your fan." Showing one of his perfect smiles, the Fan away Logo comes up as the screen fades away. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Voice: Have you ever wanted to stir a cauldron? Laugh maniacly? Know everything before it happens? Well then you want to be a witch or wizard!! Become a magical entity in 60 days or less with Gandalf's Quick Study Course! Skills you learn include potion making, staff/ wand tapping, and language courses are available!! Call now to get your free introductory video!!  
  
1-800- MAGIKAL ************************************************************************  
  
Upbeat tune:  
  
She's an elf, She's a star She is cool You'll go far  
  
Buy a doll Arwen Rocks Her boyfriend Aragorn Is a fox  
  
She has a horse And a car Pick her up You'll go far  
  
Need a friend? Arwen's cool And her house Has a pool  
  
Pick her up At the store All you want She has more  
  
Arwen's the girl Who's got everything So pick up her accessories And get a free ring!!!  
  
During the entire song shots of a doll with straight dark hair who closely resembles Barbie, is shown with a horse, car, boyfriend doll- Aragorn (Pick one up today) and many other clothes and accessories. Pick one up today!!  
  
Arwen **********************************************************************  
  
End of Commercials  
  
************************************** If you enjoyed this please review.. 


	5. Somethings gone Squirly

Disclaimer: you know, nothing is owned. Bla bla on with the show!  
  
Dramatic music plays as we are back with Cabed Naeramarth who are trying to decipher their half-map. Gollum has somehow acquired the map and is shown squinting at it, under a large oak tree as Elrond contemplates pushing Gimli into the water to rid himself of the ghastly smell. Unfortunately for him, just as he was about to "nudge" Gimli into the water, Gollum figured out the right way and started marching. Well, crawling actually- lets just say he pointed out the way.   
  
With Gollum in the lead, and Gandalf directly behind him to make sure they knew where the little buggar was going- Cabed NaeraMarth was on their way.   
  
Camera shots zoom over to Calmindon who are traveling all the way back to the other side of the island to their camp.   
  
In military style the team marches, Legolas deciphering the map, followed by Galadriel who swaggers like she has just been elected Miss Middle- Earth AGAIN.   
  
Behind Galadriel is a drooling Frodo who happens to be at just the right height to see Galadriel's "perfect picture." About two inches behind Frodo was the notorious Sam, looking as if he was about to tackle anyone who got close to his "Frody."   
  
Merry followed Sam looking frantically around for something to smoke with no result. Saruman traipsed behind Merry with an evil glint in his eye, and another twig twirling in his hands.  
  
Behind Sauruman an oblivious Arwen prances around shouting something about kicking someone else's butt. Eowyn held up the rear creeping around like a bunch of orcs were about to pounce on her.   
  
This goes on for several television seconds before a shifty eyed hobbit finally speaks his rather small and stupid mind.  
  
" Uh, Legolas, sir? When will we be having lunch?" Merry looked around the line of people, who had stopped to pant from over-exercise, to the leader. Legolas gave him a rather twitchy look before saying, quote, "Never".   
  
Finally Calmindon reaches their camp, plush, green, and crawling with squirrels. A leafy-green hut sits in the clearing, obviously their shelter for the duration of the trip. A white flag with the team name flutters in the soft wind while smoke curls from the chimney of the hut lazily.   
  
"Hey, wait a second- someone's in our hut!!!" Eowyn screamed pointing at the chimney. Everyone rushed to the door, opened it and poked their heads into the only room where eight bamboo beds lay. Saruman, Merry and Arwen ran over to the nicely carved table with 8 engraved chairs with names on each. The table is covered in cheerios while the box has an obvious little chew hole in it.   
  
"Dude! Someone totally ate out of my dish!!!" Arwen said rather loud and obnoxiously while pointing to an empty bowl with milk remains.   
  
"My bowl's been snuffed out too!" cried a rather dejected Merry. "But I wonder if they've found the pipe…." As Merry went off in search of a smokable substance, Galadriel picked up the half empty box of cheerios.   
  
"Oh my goodness!" she exclaimed, covering her mouth in horror.  
  
"What! Are we under attack? Hit the deck!" Everyone crashed to the floor at Eowyn's words, all except Galadriel who still stood holding the box of cheerios.  
  
"Would you just look at how much fat these things have? My fragile body could never handle this!" she exclaimed, looking as though she were about to faint.   
  
"What are you talking about? There's barely any! No wonder you're annorexic." Saruman eyed Galadriel as though he had just discovered the secret of the universe.   
  
"I think you look great…." Mused Frodo as he looked dreamily at her.   
  
"Well then I guess it's a good thing they cleaned your bowl out too…" said Eowyn peeping up from the floor suspiciously.   
  
"Someone been pouncing about in my bed!" Said Saruman looking about suspiciously for prison guards.  
  
"There's somethin' still sleepin in my bed!" Shouted Merry, pointing at a little lump in the blankets, "and it looks he's found a pipe too!" And indeed, in Merry's bed lay a rather... happy looking squirrel cradling a pipe obviously having just smoked himself silly.   
  
That night Calmindon had themself roasted squirrel, and discovered that Merry's little theif was none other than the Squirrel to rule them all, because he simply refused to cook.  
  
Until next time! 


End file.
